In an open letter to the woman with the long weave and exposed buttocks,

” Girl, you remind me of a DJ assault song.”

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In an open letter to her body language,

“you’re doing something wrong. I’m trying to make you look like you don’t want to be bothered. However, you are the one that everyone chooses to walk in front of.

In an open letter to the guy who reminds me of Joe Biden,

“I am impressed by the attention you clearly paid to your ponytail.”

In an open letter to the guy looks like Jean Michel Basquiat,

“I saw you cut in line. May you avoid an overdose.”

In an open letter to the autocorrect on my phone,

“Never mind that I was trying to type the word ‘negress;’ you know I’m into history. It’s what you thought I meant that surprised me a bit.”

In an open letter to Kelis,

“Do you have any advice for those who only want to bring some of the boys to the yard? Do you still have to charge?”

In an open letter to authors of and listeners to songs that encourage folks to drop it down to the floor,

“Mightn’t you want to keep it off of the floor?”

In an open letter to the woman wearing the short-sleeved sweater,

“It was probably about 6 weeks ago when I saw you. I don’t know whether I was hypnotized, mesmerized, or generally confused. Short sleeved sweaters always confuse me. Yours threw in an additional twist because of the mohair-like texture. When I took a closer look, I saw that your sweater was see through. When I looked again, I noticed that you were wearing nary a bra. When I looked another time, that’s when things got interesting. The only conclusion that I am able to reach is that you had engineered your strut so as to achieve maximum bounce. Do yo’ thang, I guess. Oh, and also, you like fresh air. If your aim was to be remembered, nicely done….”

In an open letter to the man she encountered who reminded her of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony,

“You looked at my chest so intently that I felt compelled to verify that nothing had escaped my shirt. You also made strong eye contact. This combination threw me off a little bit.”

In an open letter to the woman who have me a card for a hair extensions business,

“Number 1: how much hair do you think I need? Number 2: I had JUST noticed that the edge hair around here was looking rather skimpy….”