Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

In an open letter to the loud man in a suit who sat in his seat at the restaurant with his legs pretzeled up like an elementary school student,

“Dude! Sir. Whatever. A rape joke? Seriously?”

In an open letter to the man who stopped his car on a busy street in order to ask whether he could drive me home,

“Thank you for pulling away graciously and immediately after I told you no. I appreciate that. However, I could have done without your assurance that you’re ‘not a pervert or anything.'”

In an open letter to Zyrtec,

“I love you. I love you. I love you. Thanks to you, I can smell spring and summer. Flowers! Fragrance!! Also, thanks to you, I can sleep through the night without scratching mosquito bites until I bleed.”

In an open letter to the woman with the exposed belly,

“Your tummy looks like a ham hock.”

In an open letter to Bernie Sanders,

“I am going to valiantly fight the urge to have a crush on you.”

In an open letter to the woman who had the following in her shopping cart: cat food, kitty litter, chocolate bunnies, bread, garlic toast, and corn tortillas,

“Peeking in your cart brought joy to my heart.”

In an open letter to Shabba Ranks,

“I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing your birth name. I should have gone the rest of my life without knowing your birth name.”

In an open letter to the woman stowing her phone in her bra,

“You don’t have the rack for that.”

In an open letter to the girl with the cute raspy voice having a loud personal conversation on the way to the plane,

“I wonder if that community service your ‘baby’ is doing at the soup kitchen, even though you want ‘baby’ to do it at your church instead, is court ordered.”

In an open letter to the nearby woman who is vigorously chewing at her nails,

“Here? With all these people nearby? With all these contaminated surfaces?”