Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

In an open letter to Larry David,

“You are distracting me from all of the things.”

In an open letter to any of Alex’s future teachers,

“If he sees your belly meat, he is going to tell me about it.”

In an open letter to the man who eyed me hungrily and then said predictably questionable things to me,

“Have I not aged out of this level of leering?”

In an open letter to her boyfriend,

“If you don’t put that frozen pizza in the oven soon, I am going to lick your cabinet. I will leave it wet with slobber. You will never forget the image….”

In an open letter to the older Asian lady with a perm,

“I can’t help that the texture created by your chemical process reminds me of Muammar Qadaffi.”

In an open letter to the cashier at Target,

“A couple of days later, I wish I would have just told you that I have some irritated skin on my neck. Instead, I keep wondering what you thought when I bought two different ointments and nothing else.”

In an open letter to the woman at the store whom I judged,

“I didn’t set out to judge you. However, I allowed myself to be pulled down by your behavior at the deli. You, ma’am, are an anchor. You made sure that you got to the counter before I did, and then when the employee who served me was faster than the one who served you, you were visibly irritated. You could barely wait for me to be done before you talked to the woman at the counter who was trying to serve others in the line. I, in this low moment, scoffed in your face as I walked away with my smoked turkey.”

In an open letter to herself,

“Why would you click on something called sexed up savory oatmeal?”

In an open letter to the man leaving Meijer’s with whom I made eye contact,

“I was thinking weird, funny thoughts when we looked at each other. I think that you were, too. I was thinking about Bernie Sanders; what were you thinking about?”

In an open letter to YouTube,

“Thank you for showing me all the ladies who have hair like mine and allowing them to share the secrets of their styling.”