Open Letters:

“Officer, you scared the bejeezus out of me! Also, is that standard protocol?”

“Sir, if you are going to unflinchingly make direct eye contact with me after boldly staring at my chest, I am going to unabashedly roll my eyes at you.”

“I did not appreciate that you grunted in disappointment when in response to an aggressive wind I held the hem of my dress. When your disapproving noise caught my attention, I looked at you to find you staring directly at my lap. I did not like that either….”

“You know, we all have the experiences that we have. But when I ask you whether you have kids, and your very casually stated response is that you’ve always wanted them, but that you’ve had some abortions and miscarriages over the years, that’s a little much for me….”

“So, one of the things that I’m assessing is whether or not I believe that, should things get to that point, whether I think you will handle my very expensive bra with care and respect.”

“Y’alls legs look like hot dogs.”

“Nope. Not acceptable at all. I wish I had seeded him with an inappropriate canned answer. You know, something you’d remember for the rest of your live. Maybe something involving aliens. Aliens and worms.”

“Why the heck is there a shot glass in the back seat pouch in our car?”

“When I came back to pick up my key, you told me that everything was waiting for me at the cashier. I was a little surprised when you walked me over there. I was more surprised when you stood there during the duration of the transaction. I wasn’t so surprised when you shook my hand, but that shoulder touch was a little over the top….”

“Please know that if I could take your bad mood and babysit until it decided to act right again, that I would happily do that for you. But, alas, I can’t. Instead, I hope that the idea of a bad mood being like a naughty puppy cheers you up just a smidge.”