In an open letter to Kelis,

“Do you have any advice for those who only want to bring some of the boys to the yard? Do you still have to charge?”

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In an open letter to authors of and listeners to songs that encourage folks to drop it down to the floor,

“Mightn’t you want to keep it off of the floor?”

In an open letter to the woman wearing the short-sleeved sweater,

“It was probably about 6 weeks ago when I saw you. I don’t know whether I was hypnotized, mesmerized, or generally confused. Short sleeved sweaters always confuse me. Yours threw in an additional twist because of the mohair-like texture. When I took a closer look, I saw that your sweater was see through. When I looked again, I noticed that you were wearing nary a bra. When I looked another time, that’s when things got interesting. The only conclusion that I am able to reach is that you had engineered your strut so as to achieve maximum bounce. Do yo’ thang, I guess. Oh, and also, you like fresh air. If your aim was to be remembered, nicely done….”

In an open letter to the man she encountered who reminded her of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony,

“You looked at my chest so intently that I felt compelled to verify that nothing had escaped my shirt. You also made strong eye contact. This combination threw me off a little bit.”

In an open letter to the woman who have me a card for a hair extensions business,

“Number 1: how much hair do you think I need? Number 2: I had JUST noticed that the edge hair around here was looking rather skimpy….”

In an open letter to the people behind me in line,

“You are standing so close that by butt feels insecure. I don’t like that. Back up?

In an open letter to TGIFridays,

“I would love to see your employee handbook, particularly the part about the uniform. I suspect to confirm that the phrase, “pack it all in there” is involved re: the pants….”

In an open letter to herself in reference to the purse incident,

“You know, there are reasons that people pack their lunches and snacks in a separate bag than their purses. Did it really need to take a banana to drive that point home to you? Also, did your hunger level really justify you eating the remains of that banana over a trash can as you attempted to salvage the remaining good parts?”

In an open letter to herself regarding the sports bra-moving vehicle incident,

“Listen, I know you’re trying to squeeze it all in, but trying to change your clothes as you drove from picking up your son to your exercise was a bad move. You deserved to be tangled and exposed at the wheel. But, I do have to say that your resolve to look directly forward and pretend that everything was normal once you accepted that you lost the fight was admirable. Maybe anyone who looked into your car thought that having your regular bra, your sports bra, your shirt and the seatbelt in a tangled mess that violated most modesty standards was the look you were going for….”

In an open letter to the book on the Civil War I’m reading,

I’ve longed all day to be near you again. Tonight as I lay in bed, I depend on you to fill me with your stories.”