“You woke me up. I never again want to see a scene where the toilets are trashcans, there is wetness all over the floors, and the stalls are partitioned by well-worn shower curtains. Also, I don’t want to see a hair salon situation in such a setting. Finally, since I’m no longer sleeping, those images should leave my mind–it’s only fair…”
Open Letters:
from me to some of everyone
In an open letter to a dream involving a gross bathroom,
Tags: anxiety, bathrooms, dreams, gross, wetness abound
In an open letter to her son,
“I keep forgetting that you have private eye tendencies. I mean you pretty much gave a rundown of a suspicious neighbor’s whereabouts, quirks, and patterns. Maybe you’ll be a part of the Secret Service after all.”
In an open letter to the neighbor nicknamed “keen interest,”
“Really, there’s nothing much of interest going on in here. Based on the amount of time you spend skulking about in the parking lot and peering in the window, I’d think you’d know that by now. How is it that you’re so omnipresent?”
Tags: close quarters, good fence needed, lurking, neighbors, skulking, watching
In an open letter to J.K. Rowling,
“Because of you, every time I see the word ‘heir,’ I think that it is going to be followed by the words, ‘of Slytherin.’”
Tags: Harry Potter, parenthood, reading
In an open letter to the middle-aged woman in the bright red jeggings,
“If your goal was to show us your every lump, bump, roll, and cranny, then you were successful. Congratulations!”
Tags: exposure, jeggings, middle age, modesty, pants
In an open letter to her son,
“Dude, you woke up an hour early this morning. That means I didn’t get to enjoy my super secret alone time. I hope you don’t make this a habit….”
Tags: alone time, luxuries, parenthood, space, time
In an open letter to her son,
“I suppose that I should have tipped you off before I held that shirt with a very large sequined heart up to your body. You see, I can judge based on how it looks against you how it will fit your cousin. I would do it all again, though, to hear you say ‘what the….’ in the bewildered tone you took this evening.”
In an open letter to Anthony Weiner,
“Hey, thanks for providing the context in which I was able to have my first conversation with my son about sexting and responsibility in these times we inhabit. I think you might be a good jumping off board for talks two and three. Depending on your future actions, maybe even talks four through seven. One person’s headline is the next person’s opportunity…”
Tags: Anthony Weiner, conversations, parenting, sexting, teaching
In an open letter to her sister-in-law,
“Now that you work in a hospital, I can’t stop asking all sorts of uncouth questions about the body once things have gone wrong. I find it quite satisfying in a disgusting sort of way. However, those stories about the various and sundry items people insert in various bodily nooks and crannies break my brain a little. The vacuum cleaner story is at the top of that list….”
Tags: bodies, health, hospitals, nooks and crannies, sickness
In an open letter to her contact lenses,
“I used to be grateful to you for purposes of vanity. Now, I am grateful that if I have knocked my glasses down while sleeping that I can wear you to find them. Also, I am grateful for the lack of blind spots I experience in daily living when wearing you. Though my priorities have changed, my appreciation of you has only grown.”
Tags: bad eyesight, clear vision, contact lenses, grateful, symbiote