Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

In an open letter to Bernie Sanders,

“I am going to valiantly fight the urge to have a crush on you.”

In an open letter to the woman who had the following in her shopping cart: cat food, kitty litter, chocolate bunnies, bread, garlic toast, and corn tortillas,

“Peeking in your cart brought joy to my heart.”

In an open letter to Shabba Ranks,

“I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing your birth name. I should have gone the rest of my life without knowing your birth name.”

In an open letter to the woman stowing her phone in her bra,

“You don’t have the rack for that.”

In an open letter to the girl with the cute raspy voice having a loud personal conversation on the way to the plane,

“I wonder if that community service your ‘baby’ is doing at the soup kitchen, even though you want ‘baby’ to do it at your church instead, is court ordered.”

In an open letter to the nearby woman who is vigorously chewing at her nails,

“Here? With all these people nearby? With all these contaminated surfaces?”

In an open letter to her son,

“So, you’re embarrassed to have me hand you some deodorant in an airport, but not embarrassed that I needed to?”

In an open letter to Larry David,

“You are distracting me from all of the things.”

In an open letter to any of Alex’s future teachers,

“If he sees your belly meat, he is going to tell me about it.”

In an open letter to the man who eyed me hungrily and then said predictably questionable things to me,

“Have I not aged out of this level of leering?”