Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

In an open letter to the man at the store with an infant in his shopping cart,

“I bet your pre-baby body was slammin.'”

In an open letter to the gentleman who diagnosed the problem with my washing machine,

“Hi! I’m glad that you were able to tell me what the problem is. Thanks for that. I guess that I also appreciate your admiration of my president Pez dispensers. I was less of a fan of the way that you walked around them so that you could fully take them in. I didn’t mind your comments on how cool you thought my son’s Rubik’s cubes are. While I thought it was strange that you pulled a chair from the table and sat down while you gave me the receipt for my downpayment for the upcoming scheduled repair, I didn’t quite mind it. My eyebrow raised a bit when you said that I couldn’t possibly do THAT much baking and cooking as you eyed my cookbooks. It’s when you continued that line of small talk and commented that I don’t weigh 350 pounds, informing me that ‘the best cooks always do’ that I put you firmly in the taking liberties category.”

In an open letter to Joe Biden,

“I need you more now than I have ever needed you. Can you visit me tonight while I sleep, you know, in my dreams? You can do whatever you want. You can read legislation verbatim. Bring Jill, brush her hair. Anything. You might be the only thing that can stop me from having another dream where I sexually harass the current president-elect and get told off be a lecture hall full of voyeurs. Please help if you can.”

In an open letter to the man in the fancy bagel shop wearing black jeans, a light denim jacket with a prominent leather label, and very messy and swoopy hair,

“Bold choices, sir, bold choices. Way to do you, though. Way to do you.”

In an open letter to the notes app,

“Thanks to you, I can remember the open letters that come to me when I am out in the world gawking at innocent people who are out there just trying to live.”

In an open letter to a long-neglected website,

“Funny thing is that I’ve pretty much ignored you for a couple months. Then, I had a technical problem, and now all I want to do is login.”

In an open letter to George Wallace,

“Recent events have piqued my interest in your story. Please do not interpret this as an opportunity to haunt my dreams. Thanks in advance!”

In an open letter to the coat-less woman who whizzed by me on a scooter on a cold, cold day,

“This seemed like a fashion choice. I’m wondering, though if that 3 inches of exposed upper butt was also a fashion choice. My real question, though, is wasn’t that cold? You had both low temperatures and the wind you created going at that bare skin.”

In an open letter to the woman in Whole Foods who caught me and my son laughing at her,

“It’s just that you were behaving like a child and it was just so silly. We couldn’t help it.”

In an open letter to the woman behind me in the Starbucks line,

“Why are you so close?”