Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

In an open letter to this pregnancy,

“I never knew that despite my love for food and cooking, I only ever want to eat a certain amount of times per day. I am tired of snacks. Now excuse me while I eat this apple and granola bar.”

In an open letter to the woman with a dog blocking access to the set of stairs that leads to the coffee shop,

“Are you intentionally positioned for maximum sprawl? The purse, the stretching out, you look like you’ve mistaken this area for the beach. Oh, I stand corrected as you bring your unleashed dog into the coffee shop….”

In an open letter to the man who tried to beat me into the tire center,

“We both know I was here first. Also, I knew you were going to do that; I could sense it.”

In an open letter to the women’s restroom in the Boston Logan airport,

“Well, okay.  All of the human smells. One bathroom. With soothing music in the bathroom. Okay.”

In an open letter to racial stereotypes,

“So, if you’re going to be a thing, can you work in my favor sometimes? For example, the stereotype of black women are super intimidating/scary should stop people from letting their children virtually crawl on me in public spaces. If I sneeze, this little girl next to me is going to get the full force of my mouth mist.”

In an open letter to the man who took his boots off in order to slip into some sandals,

“Your pacing is freaking me out. Also, why do you pace away from your things and then stand directly in front of me for a pause?”

I an open letter to my neighbors at gate D17,

“No headphones, eh?”

In an open letter to the better angels of my nature,

“Please help me avoid asking that man if he dyes his very thick, very dark mustache.”

In an open letter to the semi well-built, aging man lovingly gripping his lady’s sidemeat,

“My voyeuristic eye zoomed in on this public intimacy. Now, I am fixated on your dirty fingernails.”

In an open letter to the nearby oversharer,

“I’m having a hard time reconciling the tightness of your ponytail with the looseness of your lips.”