Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

In an open letter to the white guy next to me trying to explain political correctness to his dining mates,

“Did you seriously just refer to Native Americans and make that noise…you know the one, gesture a headdress, AND say ‘you know, the one with the tipis’? Then, did you go into African American vs black? I’m thinking about accidentally spilling my drink on you. And I totally think you’re the silent farter.”

In an open letter to the men next to me at the bar,

“Your conversation is disturbing my reading…and I am good at ignoring background noise. And why are you talking about cavities, whether treatment can be postponed, and the spectre of extraction at an eating establishment?”

In an open letter to the man with a gray beard and a cap likely places to disguise his baldness.

“Why do I overhear you talking about taking the ACT? Wait, did I just hear you say PSAT?!?”

In an open letter to the stranger who joked about buying me a roofie colada,

“So about jokes that imply rape…not my favorite.”

In an open letter to the woman who clipped me on the way into the movie,

“I’m not surprised that you’re going to see A Bad Moms Christmas. Not surprised at all.”

In an open letter to the woman eating a naked banana in two-inch chunks as she waited for her coffee,

“I could not look away. I am ashamed of this fact.”

In an open letter to man two out of three who stared directly into my crotch as I ran my Sunday errands,

“Isn’t Sunday the day of rest?”

In an open letter to the senior citizen who stared directly into my crotch as he shopped with his lady at Costco,

“Wait, is the fountain of youth in my pants? Otherwise, I have no viable reason for that sort of penetrating look.”

In an open letter to the three men who stared into my crotch as I ran errands yesterday,

“Gentlemen, each of you deserve your own open letter. I have so many questions. Like, what were you looking for?”

In an open letter to the two men who yelled in my direction as I rode my bike to Zumba class,

“What exactly were you trying to convey with your ‘Hey now’? What about your ‘Damn’?”