Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

In an open letter to the coat-less woman who whizzed by me on a scooter on a cold, cold day,

“This seemed like a fashion choice. I’m wondering, though if that 3 inches of exposed upper butt was also a fashion choice. My real question, though, is wasn’t that cold? You had both low temperatures and the wind you created going at that bare skin.”

In an open letter to the woman in Whole Foods who caught me and my son laughing at her,

“It’s just that you were behaving like a child and it was just so silly. We couldn’t help it.”

In an open letter to the woman behind me in the Starbucks line,

“Why are you so close?”

In an open letter to her mind,

“There is no need to mix BBD songs and those from the Hamilton soundtrack. If you must, I mean really must, ‘Do Me Baby’ should be mashed up with ‘Guns and Ships.’ Nothing else. That said, I think that this is an unnecessary pairing.”

In an open letter to the loud man in a suit who sat in his seat at the restaurant with his legs pretzeled up like an elementary school student,

“Dude! Sir. Whatever. A rape joke? Seriously?”

In an open letter to the man who stopped his car on a busy street in order to ask whether he could drive me home,

“Thank you for pulling away graciously and immediately after I told you no. I appreciate that. However, I could have done without your assurance that you’re ‘not a pervert or anything.'”

In an open letter to Zyrtec,

“I love you. I love you. I love you. Thanks to you, I can smell spring and summer. Flowers! Fragrance!! Also, thanks to you, I can sleep through the night without scratching mosquito bites until I bleed.”

In an open letter to the woman with the exposed belly,

“Your tummy looks like a ham hock.”

In an open letter to Bernie Sanders,

“I am going to valiantly fight the urge to have a crush on you.”

In an open letter to the woman who had the following in her shopping cart: cat food, kitty litter, chocolate bunnies, bread, garlic toast, and corn tortillas,

“Peeking in your cart brought joy to my heart.”