In an open letter to the woman who tripped and unknowlingly dropped her baggie of weed,
“Um, I think you should have thanked me, especially since this is the one time in my life I’ve had a bag of pot in my hand.”
“Um, I think you should have thanked me, especially since this is the one time in my life I’ve had a bag of pot in my hand.”
“Please do not ever again announce to the barista that I will soon be fertile. I don’t think he needed that information as I simply tried to pay for my drink using another app….”
“What the fuck are you yelling for??
“I really wish I would have asked you to repeat yourself when you said whatever you said about knowing how to dance with black girls. Not knowing what you said haunts me a little. I also regret that your hands handled my waist.”
“Hi! So, if you see a lady waiting for her beer while reading, you don’t need to ask her if she likes to read. She likes to read.”
“I trust none of you.”
“Well, that was embarrassing. I mean, I know that I am not the first person out there to look for bare-chested photos of Peter Jennings. Why did you suggest that I wanted to see pictures of him smoking? Now, in addition to making me feel like a creepster, you’ve smoldered my fantasy a little bit.”
“So….if, considering my body type you think that I’m young enough to run track somewhere, it was probably on the shady side for you to try to engage me in conversation. It was definitely out of line when you suggested that you needed someone to work out with.”
“You know the kind of guy that your friends think you shouldn’t hang out with? The kind that makes them demand a just-so-I-know-you-got-home-call? You are the brain equivalent of that; I don’t know if I should be left alone with you.”
“You reminded me of both Bill Clinton and Dumbledore. This left me erotically confused.”