Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

Tag: parenthood

In an open letter to my nursing son,

“Please don’t squeeze the Charmin.”

In an open letter to her son who keeps running off with all of the batteries,

“In theory, no one should ever run off with a single woman’s batteries. What if I really, really needed those.”

In an open letter to the lady who reached over my shopping cart in the store in order to start putting her items on the belt,

“I sensed a little anger from you because I didn’t move my shopping cart forward when you thought I should. However, your four-year-old’s fingers were a couple inches away from the wheels of the cart, so I decided to, you know, spare his fingers. I’m trying to be a better person, so I not going […]

In an open letter to herself,

“Um, so here’s the thing…if you have a travel pan of watercolors in the car, you do not also get to be exasperated by the many markers and pens that your son has in the car.”

In an open letter to her son,

“I wish I could have been there when you read the embarrassing note that I left on your snow pants when you left them in the car and I had to take them to the office at your school. I mean that line about protecting you from ‘FROSTY BUNS,’ I am still giggling and I […]

In a peevish open letter to her son,

“You consistently wait until I clean up an area and then proceed to take up the entire area. This makes me angry every time. I tell you about this. And this is why when you wake up, having slept on the couch, that you are going to find a pile of your crap directly in […]

In an open letter to the parent who impatiently blew her horn at me when my son was kissing me goodbye,

“My immediate thought was that you were jealous because your child doesn’t kiss you every morning. Then I just thought you were selfish because you wanted to get out so quickly and wanted me to move even though there was plenty of space for you to back up and then pull out. By the way, […]

In an open letter to her son’s nether regions,

“I need you to know that it’s not my fault that he jams everybody down there into too-small undies. I have bought him about 10 pairs that should accommodate the entire gang. Please remember this in the next couple of years and go easy on my furniture. Thanks!”

In an open letter to her son,

“I didn’t mean to offend you by calling you a food snob. It’s just that I don’t know that many ten year olds who vastly prefer homemade bread to store bought. I was charmed when you said that the only thing store bought bread is good for are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You followed […]

In a second open letter to her son,

“Dude, you didn’t think I’d text your dad when you told me that you had a shower today. Thing is, if you tell me that you had a shower today and you tell me that you put on deodorant and your armpits smell somewhere between zesty and piquant, then something is wrong. You probably should […]