Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

Tag: parenting

In an open letter to my younger son,

“That last diaper was a crime! Yet, I’m strangely impressed. In other words, I’ve taken a picture.”

In an open letter to her son who keeps running off with all of the batteries,

“In theory, no one should ever run off with a single woman’s batteries. What if I really, really needed those.”

In an open letter to her son whose whips are looking more and more *ahem* realistic,

“Dude, I love your creativity and your increasing attention on craftmanship. However, you have got to stop leaving the whips that you make in my passenger seat in the car. It makes me look crazy. It’s not the possession of something that looks like it came from a fetish shop that makes a mom look […]

In an open letter to her son,

“The only reason that you’re getting the better looking of the two quesadillas, the one that is perfectly golden, the one that is melted to perfection, is that I measured out the cheese on the other quesadilla, and, well, Mama’s got goals.

In a guilt-filled open letter to her son,

“You know all those words you just said? The ones to which I responded by nodding my head and saying ‘uh-huh?’ The only one of those words I understood was ‘dinosaur.’ The rest of them flowed over me like water.”

In an open letter to her son in the face of his feigned bewilderment,

“Sweetie, you should know that no matter how surprised you look by the things I pull out of the couch, ¬†you know, like the Wii remote and that half-eaten candy cane, that I know exactly how those things got there.”

In an open letter to Anthony Weiner,

“Hey, thanks for providing the context in which I was able to have my first conversation with my son about sexting and responsibility in these times we inhabit. I think you might be a good jumping off board for talks two and three. Depending on your future actions, maybe even talks four through seven. One […]

In an open letter to anyone in a shared custody situation,

“So, I think that in the case that we have to communicate with the other parent, that we should be able to provide proof of that conversation–a phone log should suffice–at any bar and be offered a double shot of tequila. Who’s game?”

In an open an letter to her son,

“Yes, I lost my patience today. I said some things I shouldn’t have said in some ways I shouldn’t have said them. But seriously, when you spend a long time in the shower and your armpits still smell like sliced onions and cumin, it’s enough to make me crazy. This is why I made you […]

In an open letter to her son,

“Don’t BS me about how long and how thoroughly you’ve brushed your teeth. #1, you’re going to want those. #2, I’m going to the drugstore to get those little tablets that will tell you how well you’ve brushed your teeth. Then I’m going to talk about plaque in the most disgusting way I can think […]