Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

Tag: scratching

In an open letter to the lady in the drugstore buying allergy medicine and condoms,

“Please tell me these two items are not related to each other.”

In an open letter to Zyrtec,

“I love you. I love you. I love you. Thanks to you, I can smell spring and summer. Flowers! Fragrance!! Also, thanks to you, I can sleep through the night without scratching mosquito bites until I bleed.”

In an open letter to the cute guy she saw digging in his butt,

“When I saw the confidence with which you used four fingers to scratch your butt deeply. I was sure you were going to smell your fingers. Instead you used that hand to dig in your ear. While you are cute, your pleasant face did not overcome these indiscretions….”

In an open letter to the woman I saw in the store who made me gasp audibly and say “oh my God!” as I turned and walked briskly in the opposite direction,

“I have never, ever seen such a display of public scratching from a woman. I mean all of your fingers were involved and just how hard do you have to scratch the crotch region to make your shorts start riding up?”

In an open letter to the disturbing amounts of adults who I’ve seen recently sticking their fingers in their mouths, many of whoom appear to be scratching their teeth and or gums

“That’s disgusting and stop that. In the meanwhile please refrain from touching anything else.”

In an open letter to her skin

“You continue to be dry no matter how much lotion I slather you with. It is driving me crazy and at times makes me scratch through my skin when I’m sleeping. I am on the verge of going to a creamery and demanding that they rub my entire body with butter.This could make the news….”  […]

in an open letter to guys

“…I must inform you that full frontal scratching is never acceptable. This is non-negociable.” December 20, 2009 at 4:48p