“You are right up there with Bill Clinton with respect to presidents entering my dreams. Last night, though, was a doozy. What were you doing jumping from such a height directly into a building? How did you defy gravity like that, your feet sticking out from the building at about a 35 degree angle? And […]
In an open letter to Google,
“I am very disappointed that the search, “president Grant hottie,” did not live up yo my expectations.”
Like oatmeal
In an open letter to the man with an impressively round belly,
“I must confess it was the slice of skin made visible by the deficit between the bottom of your shirt and the top of your pants that first caught my eye. Then I noticed just how round your belly was. It was as if the gods scooped it from a tub of tummy then molded […]
In an open letter to the term “depanty,”
“I want so badly for you to be a word. Of course you would mean to remove the panties of, but you would be a word that is only used in certain applications. Depanty is not a word for lovers. Depanty is something that goes with too hot clothing on too hot days. Depanty is […]
In an open letter to Lyndon Johnson,
“If I can be honest with you, I have to say that I feel like starting a site of nothing but letters to you. However, I think that my friends and family might stage an intervention. I can’t afford to have an intervention until I’ve at least ready the Robert Caro volumes. Now, I think […]
Like an olive
In an open letter to her self-control,
“Because of you, I did not take a picture of the hairy, exposed butt crack that was in front of me for an extended period of time. I glanced down at it several times and wondered if the reddish patch on it was red because of scratching, but I didn’t take a picture, despite having […]
How to not eat your feelings
Have the feelings. Know that they are there. Realize that feelings are fleeting things. Be okay with that. Decide that you are going to do something for yourself that involves neither salt, sugar, nor fat. One option is to have your first ever pedicure done by someone other than yourself or your relatives. Be overwhelmed… Continue reading How to not eat your feelings
The Log Cabin
When William Henry Harrison and John Tyler ran for office, they were nicknamed the fertility ticket. Between the two of them, they had 25 children. Each and every time I think about that, I feel all of my internal organs quiver in fear upon even considering what it would be like to birth as many
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