“I am so confused by your logic. You see, you wiped the table down with a paper towel that was wet with water, and no cleanser. So, you didn’t clean anything, you just smeared whatever might have been on the table around. Then you left the paper towel on the table. Then you moved your […]
Tag: open letters
In an open letter to the apparent coworkers who were victims of my eavesdropping,
“I know that you are boss and employee. Therefore, the intimacy of that lean-in disturbed me. Deeply. Additionally, I don’t know how to reconcile that whole wedding band issue. I might not sleep soundly tonight.”
In an open letter to that unfortunate braless period in college,
“I am glad that I got that out of my system when I did….”
In an open letter to a man to whom I lied,
“I don’t mean to be a liar, I was just put on the spot. I was trying to politely communicate that I’m not interested in any, um, extracurricular activities. That’s why when you asked me whether I hang out, I said, ‘No.’ I mean, what else was there to say? I lied again when you […]
In an open letter to the term, “turn you out” and any of its derivative or related terms,
“There is something about you that I’ve always found disorienting. Also, on a mechanical level, you never sounded like a good idea.”
In an open letter a young man about ten years my junior,
“I couldn’t hear all of the things that you said under your breath in order for me to hear them. I missed the first word, but the next few were, ‘… and thick, and pretty, and cute.’ I laughed, because I couldn’t help it. You have braces. You may have mistaken the laugh for a […]
In an open letter to last year’s harsh weather,
“Could it be that you’ve made me hardier? I now look at the forecast and think, ‘Nineteen degrees? Totally doable.’”
In an open letter to the woman who is saving a seat, whoops, I mean two seats in the restaurant,
“You don’t get to keep looking at me when your seat saving means that my son and I are standing. Well, not without me thinking disparaging thoughts about your appearance. I, however, do get to keep looking at you and the two empty seats next to you. I get to think, ‘you look like the […]
In an open letter to the Timehop Abe app,
“Thanks for pointing out just how much I use social media as a diary. The upside, though, is that everything is a little polished, and therefore not very cringeworthy. Thank you, also, for that.”
In an open letter to trivial, unimportant pleasures,
“I love you. I love you. I love you.”