“Wow. You really are getting desperate. I Investigate a song and find out that it’s ‘Old Devil Moon.’ I go tumbling down an internet tangent and find myself at Toni Morrison’s feet. What are you trying to do to me? It’s been over three years since we’ve last known each other….”
Tag: open letters
In an open letter to the swimsuit tried on in anticipation for some time on the beach,
“I expected you to look horrible on me, or for me to look horrible wearing you…however you want to put it. However, you surprised me by looking horrible in totally unexpected ways. Way to keep it interesting. I have to confess, I’m not even upset. Bewildered, but not upset?..”
In an open letter to the novel I abandoned a couple years ago,
“What is up? You have the bothered me like four times in the last two weeks. I thought we were through….”
In an open letter to the blender,
“I suppose that I should just be grateful that this isn’t a eulogy. I know that I’ve been working you hard every day with all of my smoothie making, but yesterday, you gave me a scare. I guess you don’t like to blend collard greens? Maybe I should have romanced you better, seductively adding the […]
In an open letter to cornbread,
“You have filled me with a longing desire. In addition to greasing you with a bit of bacon grease, and spicing you with some hot pepper, there is something else. I want to sing Prince songs to you. This is how deep this yearning pulls….”
In an open letter to a Pantene commercial,
“Commercials usually don’t move me to buy products, however, if there is a song in it that involves both, ‘it be hot like a desert, yo,’ and ‘she be walkin’ like an animal,’ it’s likely that I’m going to track the song down and maybe buy it.”
In an open letter to Elvis, Presley, not Crespo,
“Your velvet voice is currently overtaking my mind. As a result, for illogical reasons, I find myself wanting pillowy buttermilk biscuits that are generously buttered and honeyed. Don’t be cruel, save me from myself.”
In an open letter to her irrational fears,
“No matter what you’d have me believe, I know that no one is going to steal my bra when I go to the gym and leave me to go back to work un-scaffolded….”
In an open letter to the sweet potato she took to work earlier in the week just in case,
“Thank you for being a friend. I needed you today and you were there for me. Your support meant that my lunch consisted of nutrients not vending machine fare.”
In an open letter to anyone going to a MLK Day twerking party,
“Objection.”