“I can’t help that the texture created by your chemical process reminds me of Muammar Qadaffi.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
“I can’t help that the texture created by your chemical process reminds me of Muammar Qadaffi.” <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[327,1],"tags":[764],"class_list":["post-4636","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-hair","category-uncategorized","tag-open-letters","entry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p33KTw-1cM","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3472,"url":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/2014\/07\/in-an-open-letter-to-the-guy-who-reminds-me-of-joe-biden\/","url_meta":{"origin":4636,"position":0},"title":"In an open letter to the guy who reminds me of Joe Biden,","author":"sherlonya","date":"July 25, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"\u201cI am impressed by the attention you clearly paid to your ponytail.\u201d","rel":"","context":"In \"open letters\"","block_context":{"text":"open letters","link":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/tag\/open-letters\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5268,"url":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/2018\/05\/in-an-open-letter-to-my-son-who-reminds-me-that-teenagers-are-savage\/","url_meta":{"origin":4636,"position":1},"title":"In an open letter to my son who reminds me that teenagers are savage,","author":"sherlonya","date":"May 8, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"\u201cDid you seriously say that you wouldn\u2019t have carded that woman based on her arms alone?\u201d","rel":"","context":"In \"open letters\"","block_context":{"text":"open letters","link":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/tag\/open-letters\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2968,"url":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/2013\/10\/in-an-open-letter-to-rutherford-b-hayes\/","url_meta":{"origin":4636,"position":2},"title":"In an open letter to Rutherford B. Hayes,","author":"sherlonya","date":"October 1, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"\u201c\u201dI have to confess that your beard has always reminded me of Shredded Wheat cereal. This reminds me of a man at the gym who\u2019s moustache makes me think of coarsely-ground coffee beans. President Hayes, on second thought, this might not be about you at all.\u201d","rel":"","context":"In "obsessions"","block_context":{"text":"obsessions","link":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/category\/obsessions\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3292,"url":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/2014\/02\/in-an-open-letter-to-the-man-with-the-impressively-round-belly\/","url_meta":{"origin":4636,"position":3},"title":"In an open letter to the man with the impressively round belly,","author":"sherlonya","date":"February 20, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"\u201cYour proud, round, sun-kissed belly reminds me of some rolls I made once. They were so warm, and buttery. They were fragrant and sweet, and they tasted like love. Now, my mouth is watering and I don\u2019t know how to feel about that\u2026.\u201d","rel":"","context":"In \"open letters\"","block_context":{"text":"open letters","link":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/tag\/open-letters\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":4303,"url":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/2015\/01\/in-an-open-letter-to-a-busty-woman-considering-taking-the-trash-out-to-the-dumpster-without-putting-on-a-bra-first\/","url_meta":{"origin":4636,"position":4},"title":"In an open letter to a busty woman considering taking the trash out to the dumpster without putting on a bra first,","author":"sherlonya","date":"January 18, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"\u201cJust put on the bra. Otherwise you will wonder whether your neighbors see you. You will also wonder if the movement of your unfettered breasts reminds them of a waterbed. Or just put on a heavy coat. I mean, uh, this is what my imagination says\u2026.\u201d","rel":"","context":"In \"open letters\"","block_context":{"text":"open letters","link":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/tag\/open-letters\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3166,"url":"https:\/\/sherlonya.net\/blog\/2013\/12\/in-an-open-letter-to-her-perpetually-dry-skin\/","url_meta":{"origin":4636,"position":5},"title":"In an open letter to her perpetually dry skin,","author":"sherlonya","date":"December 29, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"\u201cI know that I\u2019ve given you no reason to believe me, but I think that I am going to start moisturizing you on a more consistent basis. 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