Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

In an open letter to her younger son,

“If you are potty trained before you are weaned, it’s going to be pretty hard not to take it personally.”

In an open letter to my younger son,

“That last diaper was a crime! Yet, I’m strangely impressed. In other words, I’ve taken a picture.”

In an open letter to my nursing son,

“Please don’t squeeze the Charmin.”

In an open letter to kombucha,

“I’m so glad that we can be together again. I’ve missed you.”

In an open letter to new baby,

“Your hiccups last night were adorable!”

In an open letter to new baby,

“Thanks for letting me sleep all night without having to get up to visit the bathroom. What a birthday treat! That very strong wallop you delivered as soon as I did wake up made it feel extra thoughtful.”

In an open letter to my 5 fibroids,

“Hey, thanks to you we got a sneak peek at the baby. Also, thanks for staying the same size. In fact, y’all were down there and I was none the wiser. Keep it up and you’re welcome to stay.”

In an open letter to the man who stared at my chest as if it were a Magic Eye poster,

“Sir,  you were pushing what appeared to be a very heavy cart. You put everyone’s toes in jeopardy. Be better.”

In an open letter to her son’s high school principal,

“The correct verb tense for the facilitation of bus service in the district should have been ‘run’ not ‘ran.’ You might think about running your long-winded phone bulletins by one of the English teachers.”

In an open letter to this pregnancy,

“I never knew that despite my love for food and cooking, I only ever want to eat a certain amount of times per day. I am tired of snacks. Now excuse me while I eat this apple and granola bar.”