Open Letters:

From Me to Some of Everyone

In an open letter to an ex,

“I typically avoid open letters to exes because I find it generally distasteful, but this memory makes me giggle. When you received a sticker from the first Obama-Biden campaign for making your minimal contribution, you misquoted the slogan saying, ‘Yes I can.’ I corrected you with, ‘Yes we can,” and you felt the need to […]

In an open letter to the girl in the thigh highs who I think was also wearing short shorts,

“I didn’t actually see any shorts, so I’m being presumptuous here. I, however, am not being presumptuous when I’m guessing that you were cold, very cold. But, it’s your thing; do what you wanna do….”

In an open letter to the giant burrito in front of me,

“The things that I’m going to do to you… Imagine yourself the subject of an R&B song. Not one of those cleaner ones of the past, one of those vulgar ones of today. You will be devoured. I’m not going to ask first. Good thing you’re an actual object and not a person.”