“Listen, you have got to lay off on the taking things personally. You are in control of your reactions and you need to start acting like it. I think you need to get back into running, you Clydesdale. You could use some endorphins….”
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In an open letter to a neighbor vacuuming near my bedtime,
“You thought this was going to be a nasty one, didn’t you. Actually, your vacuuming was liberating. Now, I’ll never again feel guilty when I hit the snooze button at 5:30 in the morning. We’re on different schedules and your bedtime vacuuming has illuminated that for me. Thanks!”
In an open letter to the parent who impatiently blew her horn at me when my son was kissing me goodbye,
“My immediate thought was that you were jealous because your child doesn’t kiss you every morning. Then I just thought you were selfish because you wanted to get out so quickly and wanted me to move even though there was plenty of space for you to back up and then pull out. By the way, […]
In an open letter to her son’s nether regions,
“I need you to know that it’s not my fault that he jams everybody down there into too-small undies. I have bought him about 10 pairs that should accommodate the entire gang. Please remember this in the next couple of years and go easy on my furniture. Thanks!”
In an open letter to her obsession with reading about food,
“I felt betrayed today while I sought comfort and understanding in you this morning. Two words did it, “chicken scraps.” Those words made me feel deeply uncomfortable. And unclean.”
In an open letter to the girl in the thigh highs who I think was also wearing short shorts,
“I didn’t actually see any shorts, so I’m being presumptuous here. I, however, am not being presumptuous when I’m guessing that you were cold, very cold. But, it’s your thing; do what you wanna do….”
Halloween News: Nudity Not Required!
I loved this so much when I saw it last year, that I can’t pass up the opportunity to share it again. My favorite line is, “It’s Halloween, keep your….” Wait, nevermind, here I try to keep my language nice and clean. Happy Halloween, ya’ll. And stay warm out there!
In an open letter to the giant burrito in front of me,
“The things that I’m going to do to you… Imagine yourself the subject of an R&B song. Not one of those cleaner ones of the past, one of those vulgar ones of today. You will be devoured. I’m not going to ask first. Good thing you’re an actual object and not a person.”
In an open letter to her cousin on his birthday,
“Happy Birthday! One day, one day, I hope to hang out with you, because if there is anyone who can out silly me, I suspect that it’s you. When that happens, I have got to try the gumbo you often talk about making. I’ve noticed you posting lots of words of wisdom lately, but refuse […]
In an open letter to a man whom I watched close his front door for an extended period of time,
“I noticed you because of your bright sweat shirt. Then I saw you close your door, and then lock it. Then you pulled at your door handle. Then you jiggled it. Then you repeated the jiggling. Then you tried to turn the handle. Then you jiggled it some more. Then you did some other things […]