At the holidays I am simultaneously attracted to, and afraid of holiday-themed treats. I’m not talking about the ones that come out of people’s kitchens. I’m talking about the ones that come out of factories. Those things usually get me all excited, and then let me down. For instance, I want to try Gingerbread m&ms,… Continue reading Vegan Gingerbread Ice Cream
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In an open letter to the neighbor nicknamed “keen interest,”
“Really, there’s nothing much of interest going on in here. Based on the amount of time you spend skulking about in the parking lot and peering in the window, I’d think you’d know that by now. How is it that you’re so omnipresent?”
In an open letter to J.K. Rowling,
“Because of you, every time I see the word ‘heir,’ I think that it is going to be followed by the words, ‘of Slytherin.’”
In an open letter to the middle-aged woman in the bright red jeggings,
“If your goal was to show us your every lump, bump, roll, and cranny, then you were successful. Congratulations!”
Who’s your founding father?
I really don’t believe that the Honda commercial that came out last year around Presidents Day persuaded me to buy a Honda. However, sometimes when I approach my car, I hear that commercial in my mind, even though I think George Washington would disapprove of it. I think that Lincoln, on the other hand, would… Continue reading Who’s your founding father?
Pecan Cream Pie
I love going to my mom’s for Thanksgiving. Before I went, I asked if there was anything I could bring, but she had things well covered. In fact, I partook of delicious leftovers all day long. I also shamelessly became the relative who shows up with plastic food containers. In my defense, I want to… Continue reading Pecan Cream Pie
In an open letter to Anthony Weiner,
“Hey, thanks for providing the context in which I was able to have my first conversation with my son about sexting and responsibility in these times we inhabit. I think you might be a good jumping off board for talks two and three. Depending on your future actions, maybe even talks four through seven. One […]
In an open letter to her sister-in-law,
“Now that you work in a hospital, I can’t stop asking all sorts of uncouth questions about the body once things have gone wrong. I find it quite satisfying in a disgusting sort of way. However, those stories about the various and sundry items people insert in various bodily nooks and crannies break my brain […]
In an open letter to her contact lenses,
“I used to be grateful to you for purposes of vanity. Now, I am grateful that if I have knocked my glasses down while sleeping that I can wear you to find them. Also, I am grateful for the lack of blind spots I experience in daily living when wearing you. Though my priorities have […]
In an open letter to the middle aged man with the nice sporty backback,
“You were the last person I expected to see stop to blow a snot rocket.”