“I found myself thinking about you the other day and I was surprised to find that I still found it funny. You were there giving a presentation to the class with that telltale pink plastic betraying you against those navy blue corduroys. Had you been nicer, I probably would have told you. Had you been […]
Tag: open letters
In an open letter to the two motorists I watch blatantly run red lights,
“You all are the reason that I always indulge in an extra pause when my light turns green. You’re dangerous.”
In an open letter to the woman she watched pick her nose for an extended period of time,
“I have never seen someone commit to picking her nose the way that you did. As I openly stared at you not bothering to disguise my gaze, you didn’t even acknowledge my presence. I am perplexed by the science behind your nose picking. I couldn’t see any of your pinky finger and you rooted around […]
In an open letter to her crankiest self,
“Listen, you have got to lay off on the taking things personally. You are in control of your reactions and you need to start acting like it. I think you need to get back into running, you Clydesdale. You could use some endorphins….”
In an open letter to a neighbor vacuuming near my bedtime,
“You thought this was going to be a nasty one, didn’t you. Actually, your vacuuming was liberating. Now, I’ll never again feel guilty when I hit the snooze button at 5:30 in the morning. We’re on different schedules and your bedtime vacuuming has illuminated that for me. Thanks!”
In an open letter to the parent who impatiently blew her horn at me when my son was kissing me goodbye,
“My immediate thought was that you were jealous because your child doesn’t kiss you every morning. Then I just thought you were selfish because you wanted to get out so quickly and wanted me to move even though there was plenty of space for you to back up and then pull out. By the way, […]
In an open letter to her son’s nether regions,
“I need you to know that it’s not my fault that he jams everybody down there into too-small undies. I have bought him about 10 pairs that should accommodate the entire gang. Please remember this in the next couple of years and go easy on my furniture. Thanks!”
In an open letter to her obsession with reading about food,
“I felt betrayed today while I sought comfort and understanding in you this morning. Two words did it, “chicken scraps.” Those words made me feel deeply uncomfortable. And unclean.”
In an open letter to the girl in the thigh highs who I think was also wearing short shorts,
“I didn’t actually see any shorts, so I’m being presumptuous here. I, however, am not being presumptuous when I’m guessing that you were cold, very cold. But, it’s your thing; do what you wanna do….”
In an open letter to the giant burrito in front of me,
“The things that I’m going to do to you… Imagine yourself the subject of an R&B song. Not one of those cleaner ones of the past, one of those vulgar ones of today. You will be devoured. I’m not going to ask first. Good thing you’re an actual object and not a person.”