“You made me want to dance last night. I don’t think that was the right answer. But, you see, Angel Batista was dancing merengue and I wanted to burst through the screen and join in. This makes me feel vaguely dirty.”
Tag: open letters
In a second open letter to her son,
“Dude, you didn’t think I’d text your dad when you told me that you had a shower today. Thing is, if you tell me that you had a shower today and you tell me that you put on deodorant and your armpits smell somewhere between zesty and piquant, then something is wrong. You probably should […]
In a guilt-filled open letter to her son,
“You know all those words you just said? The ones to which I responded by nodding my head and saying ‘uh-huh?’ The only one of those words I understood was ‘dinosaur.’ The rest of them flowed over me like water.”
In an open letter to the artist behind what I can only call the sexy Jesus billboard,
“I nearly ran my car into a corn field because of your billboard. I’ve been thinking about the billboard for over four months. Still, I can’t decide whether your art succeeded.”
In an open letter to the gloveless woman I watched throw snow on a car’s windshield,
“The last thing that I expected when you stopped slinging snow was for you to get into the newly be-snowed car and to commence driving. Way to keep it interesting.”
In an open letter to this weather,
“There are many more important things for which I’m thankful, but when I went into the crowded store today, I was grateful that my knowledge of the kitchen made it easy for me to get in and out of the store quickly despite the crowds of people who finally felt it ‘warm’ enough to venture […]
In an open letter to a pastry recipe,
“I read a lot of recipes. However, I have yet to come across a recipe that uses the words ‘until thick and pasty,’ and also succeeds in continuing to sound tasty. Please take this into consideration.”
In an open letter to her son in the face of his feigned bewilderment,
“Sweetie, you should know that no matter how surprised you look by the things I pull out of the couch, you know, like the Wii remote and that half-eaten candy cane, that I know exactly how those things got there.”
In an open letter to her Google search,
“I was just looking to see whether there is an app to help you keep track of the spices you have. You see, I just discovered that I have multiple tins of thyme and tarragon, spices I don’t use often. However, you thought I might be seeking an app to keep track of a spouse. […]
In an open letter to the recipe I just read,
“I hung in there when I read about the various starches in the ingredient list. However, once I saw the words ‘glossy sheen,’ I had to click away. Immediately.”