“I don’t like to create you, but I do enjoy that you’re there. I take advantage of you often.”
Author: sherlonya
In an open letter to herself for the rare moments she finds herself listening to a rap song,
“Your problem is the way that you think about this music. You should enjoy the language, particularly the clever turns of phrase and the metaphors. What you should not do is think about the physiology of what’s happening in many of these songs. Once your brain goes there, it’s too hard for you to come […]
In an open letter to her twitching eye,
“If I start running again, will you cut that out?”
In an open letter to songs that are supposedly sexy,
“So many of you sound more like threats than anything else. Thought you should know.”
In an open letter to Pavlov,
“Why am I incapable of being conditioned against clicking when I know I shouldn’t?
In an open letter to T. I.,
“Dude, I don’t even really listen to your genre, as you can tell both to my use of the word dude earlier in this sentence, and also by my non-lyrical, non-ironic self-referencing sentence. However, I have to confess to you that ‘Why You Wanna’ is my current power song. This is not to say that […]
In an open letter to a dream involving a gross bathroom,
“You woke me up. I never again want to see a scene where the toilets are trashcans, there is wetness all over the floors, and the stalls are partitioned by well-worn shower curtains. Also, I don’t want to see a hair salon situation in such a setting. Finally, since I’m no longer sleeping, those images […]
In an open letter to the neighbor nicknamed “keen interest,”
“Really, there’s nothing much of interest going on in here. Based on the amount of time you spend skulking about in the parking lot and peering in the window, I’d think you’d know that by now. How is it that you’re so omnipresent?”
In an open letter to J.K. Rowling,
“Because of you, every time I see the word ‘heir,’ I think that it is going to be followed by the words, ‘of Slytherin.’”
In an open letter to the middle-aged woman in the bright red jeggings,
“If your goal was to show us your every lump, bump, roll, and cranny, then you were successful. Congratulations!”