“If I start running again, will you cut that out?”
Category: open letters
In an open letter to the lyricists of very explicit songs,
“I know that everything isn’t for everybody, but I just have to say that I prefer euphemisms in my music to gritty and sometimes gross realism.”
In an open letter to her near-sightedness,
“There is no other time when you frighten me more than when I need to use a seam ripper.”
In an open letter to Netflix,
“You suggested that I like ‘cerebral political documentaries’ as well as ‘feel-good reality shows.’ While I am disturbed by the number of times the word cerebral has come into my life describing me or my tastes, I am starting to feel like you know me.”
In an open letter to the khaki-colored man she saw walking down the street,
“Excuse me for thinking that you were walking down the street wearing a home-fashioned red and blue striped loin cloth. I now know that it was your shirt tucked into the front of your pants. Turns out that just a few weeks ago, I saw a man walking down the street wearing nothing but his […]
In an open letter to herself at three in the morning,
“We are by no means starving. Please do not wake me up again because you say we’re hungry. Can’t you convert some of our excess thigh meat into energy or something?”
In an open letter to herself at three in the morning,
“We are by no means starving. Please do not wake me up again because you say we’re hungry. Can’t you convert some of our excess thigh meat into energy or something?”
In an open letter to herself,
“So, you know how thirsty dogs drink from their bowls all shameless and sloppy. If you consistently remind yourself of that when you drink water, then you are waiting too long to hydrate. Just looking out for you.”
In an open letter to popcorn,
“Here we are again. I love your scent. You look so good dressed in butter and bejeweled in salt. I can’t wait to taste you….”
In an open letter to her hair,
“You know I love you, right? However, you tire me out. That’s why you’re mostly pulled back into a bun. Now I feel like I’m blaming the victim. It’s just that I washed you well over an hour ago. Then I put rollers in you. Then I sat under a hair dryer and you’re still […]