“I don’t get to say this often, but you were working those polyester pants.”
Author: sherlonya
In an open letter to the woman who selected the elliptical machine right next to mine,
“Why? Just why? Next time I encounter someone like you I am going to just do what I wanted to do, choose another elliptical machine. Doing that and feeling like a jerk is better than becoming angry and tense because out of the eight or so elliptical machines you wanted the one right next to […]
In an open letter to the man who caught me staring at him this morning,
“It was your moustache. It was so dark and rich. It reminded me of Barry White’s voice. It didn’t match your hair. I had questions. Those questions were what I was considering when you caught me in the act….”
In an open letter to the man who wore shorts if I’m being generous, underwear if I’m being true to my heart,
“I have been working on being judgy. It’s a nasty habit of mine. When I saw you though, all sorts of alarms went off in my head. Especially after I saw you both in the Halloween store and in the craft store. My mama gut told me to keep my child nearby. When I explained […]
In an open letter to Hall and Oates,
“Thank you, thank you, thank you for being appropriate background music for working. I don’t have to worry about you saying something that will embarrass all parties if someone happens to walk in. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.”
Protected: In an open letter to Harry Belafonte,
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
In an open letter to the word sebaceous,
“Generally, I am uncomfortable with you. However, when I was at the bowling alley the other day, you were the only word to run repeatedly through my mind…..”
In an open letter to Rutherford B. Hayes,
“”I have to confess that your beard has always reminded me of Shredded Wheat cereal. This reminds me of a man at the gym who’s moustache makes me think of coarsely-ground coffee beans. President Hayes, on second thought, this might not be about you at all.”
In an open letter to the very well curated young woman perched precariously on a ledge not intended for sitting,
“I noticed you trying to take a selfie as you positioned both your camera and your cigarette just so. I hope you don’t set yourself on fire one day. Seriously. Be careful.”
In an open letter to the neighbor in the throes of a football game,
“I am not sure how you’re managing to scream out in a way that sounds like you’re yelling directly into my apartment. That I live on the second floor, and that I don’t directly face anyone, makes this even more perplexing. I wonder if this is an achievement of voice or some strong voice-related muscles….”