“You know I love you, right? However, you tire me out. That’s why you’re mostly pulled back into a bun. Now I feel like I’m blaming the victim. It’s just that I washed you well over an hour ago. Then I put rollers in you. Then I sat under a hair dryer and you’re still pretty darned wet. I hope the TSA doesn’t find out how much liquid you can hold, or else, I may never board another plane.”