“Ma’am, I know that I am one of those people who can be weird about personal space, but next time you get on a gym machine directly next to someone else, you might not want to wear the perfume that makes the person next to you feel like she’s tasting circus peanuts.”
Author: sherlonya
In an open letter to the word panties,
“I totally think that you are treated unfairly. I actually like you. Part of this might be because I really, really like panties. Also, you’re just so cute. You sound like pants’ baby brother, or niece. Finally, I like you the way that you are written, that ‘t’ right there through your core, but I […]
Like a peach
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In an open letter to herself upon the occasion of the 500th open letter,
“I can’t believe you’ve been doing this for a few years now. Who knew it would go on this long? This whole thing, after all, started as a fling. But what is wrong with you? You are going to lead people to believe that you do nothing but stare at people’s bodies. You do more […]
Like an eggplant
In an open letter to another girl wearing microscopic shorts,
“You definitely have the body for short shorts. I’ll give you that. But, honey, your butt is so flat that at first I couldn’t tell I was looking at a butt cheek. I thought I was looking at a wrinkle. Another inch on those shorts and your business wouldn’t be all our in the streets….”
In an open letter to her neighbor,
“I am a sound sleeper. When other people complain about thunder and lightning through the night, I’m all like ‘It rained? Huh. I thought it smelled rather verdant around here.’ So, for you to wake me from a sound sleep means that you were making some serious noise. Such, ahem, activities should never make that […]
In an open letter to the woman on a walk who encountered some roadkill,
“Girl, I understand. No one wants to step over a well-fed raccoon. However, walking so far into the street that you were straddling the lane marker was overkill. Especially on a road with a speed limit of 45. You are begging to meet the same fate….”
Like a pear
In an open letter to the skunk I saw last night,
“I was headed right toward you when I heard some strange sounds coming from your direction. I looked up and saw what looked like a plastic bag from a grocery store moving beneath a tree. However, the movement wasn’t consistent with what you expect from a bag. I moved closer, absorbed in a bit of […]