“Please, please, please tell me that you are a child, preferably someone between the ages of 7 and 11. If you are a child, you’ve scored success; I’m taking my car to the car wash today. If you are not a child, I find this more than a little creepy.”
Author: sherlonya
In an open letter to the cute guy she saw digging in his butt,
“When I saw the confidence with which you used four fingers to scratch your butt deeply. I was sure you were going to smell your fingers. Instead you used that hand to dig in your ear. While you are cute, your pleasant face did not overcome these indiscretions….”
In an open letter to her inner voyeur,
“You should not be allowed to walk at dusk. You cannot both handle all of that domestic, open-blinds activity, and be aware of your surroundings….”
In an open letter to her Daddy Yankee Pandora station,
“I regret to inform you that I can no longer listen to you at work. You see, there is something about this music that makes my hips move involuntarily. This is inappropriate at best and probably most likely creepy/downright gross. Additionally, this music both makes me mouth lyrics (not a good look) and make weird […]
In an open letter to anyone in a shared custody situation,
“So, I think that in the case that we have to communicate with the other parent, that we should be able to provide proof of that conversation–a phone log should suffice–at any bar and be offered a double shot of tequila. Who’s game?”
In an open letter to the slow walking woman with the teeny tiny shorts,
“Full disclosure: I am in a bad mood. Now, if you are going to slowly shuffle about, don’t make a point to walk in front of moving vehicles. If you’re going to do this while wearing pantyshorts, please expect to be talked about. Case in point: I’m pretty sure that those shorts were tight enough […]
In an open letter to the universe,
“I feel like you pay me back for the mean things that I sometimes think. You smacked me down today. However, I also feel like you look out for me. For example, just this week, you put that bottle of Maker’s Mark that I had forgotten about in my eyesight. Now, on the other side […]
In an open letter to her son,
“Sweetie, if you bring a trash bag full of crap–oh, I’m sorry, your stuff–home from school and then proceed to leave that bag in the middle of the floor, I am going to put said bag on your bed. That is all.”
In an open letter to Lyndon Johnson,
“I understand that this is probably an inappropriate thing to say to the deceased, but I can totally imagine someone grabbing those large ears of yours, whispering into one of them, ‘Big Texas.’ What have you done to me?”
The Old Kinderhook
His muttonchops! Okay, now that we have that out of the way. Martin Van Buren was a man of many nicknames. Old Kinderhook is one of them, based on his home, Kinderhook, New York. While this is up for debate, some believe that Martin Van Buren gave us the word, “okay.” As in O.K. As in
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