“My face? Twice?!? I know it doesn’t make sense to curse at a mosquito, but my face? Twice?!?”
Category: open letters
In an open letter to the woman in stretchy pants,
“I simply did not understand the physics of your pants. They didn’t appear to be shifting around. In fact, they seemed rather snug. The exception, though, was the crotch baggies. I just don’t understand how your pants could be so tight, yet so loose. Is there a class on this for which I can register?”
In an open letter to her son,
“Dude, today I heard you snapping as music played…and let’s just say this; it is intentional that I did not describe it as snapping to the music. How is this possible? You were weirdly early, sporadically. I never understand this in people. The beat is so audible, so predictable, so hard to snap/dance/move against….”
In an open letter to past or present neighbors of Ronald Isley,
“I shouldn’t even be saying this, but I am dying to know what kind of noises come from this man’s home when he has a little nighttime company. Forgive me. But, I bet you’ve wondered, too. I bet you’ve listened. I bet you can give me answers.”
In an open letter to the NSA,
“We’ll, I’m pretty sure that you know about my TSA fantasies. Now I don’t know where it is safe to be embarrassed.”
In an open letter to tater tots,
“I always think I want you, that I love you. Until, that is, I’ve had you. You know those poems that are full of longing, desire, and regret? Lust? I could write you a chapbook of those….”
In an open letter to Facebook,
“You are making me think that that spicy Lyndon Johnson story idea is something to be pursued.”
In an open letter to whoever smokes in the apartment building,
“You make the joint smell like memories of a bowling alley. I don’t like it.”
In an open letter to the laundry gods,
“I am a single parent with one child. Why is it that laundry seems so dang sisyphean? Do you hate breeders? Do you hate children?”
In an open letter to Lyndon Johnson,
“You are right up there with Bill Clinton with respect to presidents entering my dreams. Last night, though, was a doozy. What were you doing jumping from such a height directly into a building? How did you defy gravity like that, your feet sticking out from the building at about a 35 degree angle? And […]