“I am very disappointed that the search, “president Grant hottie,” did not live up yo my expectations.”
Category: open letters
In an open letter to the man with an impressively round belly,
“I must confess it was the slice of skin made visible by the deficit between the bottom of your shirt and the top of your pants that first caught my eye. Then I noticed just how round your belly was. It was as if the gods scooped it from a tub of tummy then molded […]
In an open letter to the term “depanty,”
“I want so badly for you to be a word. Of course you would mean to remove the panties of, but you would be a word that is only used in certain applications. Depanty is not a word for lovers. Depanty is something that goes with too hot clothing on too hot days. Depanty is […]
In an open letter to Lyndon Johnson,
“If I can be honest with you, I have to say that I feel like starting a site of nothing but letters to you. However, I think that my friends and family might stage an intervention. I can’t afford to have an intervention until I’ve at least ready the Robert Caro volumes. Now, I think […]
In an open letter to her self-control,
“Because of you, I did not take a picture of the hairy, exposed butt crack that was in front of me for an extended period of time. I glanced down at it several times and wondered if the reddish patch on it was red because of scratching, but I didn’t take a picture, despite having […]
In an open letter to Bloglovin’,
“Thank you for being the place where I can take a look into the lives of the bloggers I follow. I love the daily emails, and the binge viewing that you help me pursue. Please stay around. Oh, and since I use you every day, I suppose I should claim all of my blogs there….” […]
In an open letter to her iPad,
“I am disturbed by how quickly your auto fill mechanism knew that I wanted the word, ‘inappropriate.’”
In an open letter to Kool and the Gang,
“Today, I ruined your song ‘Fresh’ for myself. You see, you describe someone as ‘fresh as a summer breeze.’ Clearly, whoever wrote this song did not frequent democratic gathering spots such as a bus stop or the Secretary of State office. At these places, the summer breeze can be anything but ‘fresh’….
In an open letter to the word “daddy” in non-familial applications,
“So the thing is in songs, I can dig you. There are so many examples. George Michael did it. LL Cook J made it work…but the moment my mind settles on you too long, I feel distinctly wiggly, not in a good way….”
In an open letter to the wayward breasts I saw today,
“Thank you. Apparently free form is your thing! More power to you. But I am thanking you because you remind me that these days I like to keep my girls on a short leash. In fact, after what I saw today, I’m thinking of adding tape to my regimen.”