“I totally think that you are treated unfairly. I actually like you. Part of this might be because I really, really like panties. Also, you’re just so cute. You sound like pants’ baby brother, or niece. Finally, I like you the way that you are written, that ‘t’ right there through your core, but I […]
Category: open letters
In an open letter to herself upon the occasion of the 500th open letter,
“I can’t believe you’ve been doing this for a few years now. Who knew it would go on this long? This whole thing, after all, started as a fling. But what is wrong with you? You are going to lead people to believe that you do nothing but stare at people’s bodies. You do more […]
In an open letter to another girl wearing microscopic shorts,
“You definitely have the body for short shorts. I’ll give you that. But, honey, your butt is so flat that at first I couldn’t tell I was looking at a butt cheek. I thought I was looking at a wrinkle. Another inch on those shorts and your business wouldn’t be all our in the streets….”
In an open letter to her neighbor,
“I am a sound sleeper. When other people complain about thunder and lightning through the night, I’m all like ‘It rained? Huh. I thought it smelled rather verdant around here.’ So, for you to wake me from a sound sleep means that you were making some serious noise. Such, ahem, activities should never make that […]
In an open letter to the woman on a walk who encountered some roadkill,
“Girl, I understand. No one wants to step over a well-fed raccoon. However, walking so far into the street that you were straddling the lane marker was overkill. Especially on a road with a speed limit of 45. You are begging to meet the same fate….”
In an open letter to the skunk I saw last night,
“I was headed right toward you when I heard some strange sounds coming from your direction. I looked up and saw what looked like a plastic bag from a grocery store moving beneath a tree. However, the movement wasn’t consistent with what you expect from a bag. I moved closer, absorbed in a bit of […]
In an open letter to the guy who pulled up beside me to ask me if I’m single,
“Oh, hi! Thanks for reminding me why I don’t walk outdoors as much as I used to. I guess everyone can benefit from a little dose of reality.”
In an open letter to whoever wrote “hi you” with a finger in the dirt on my car,
“Please, please, please tell me that you are a child, preferably someone between the ages of 7 and 11. If you are a child, you’ve scored success; I’m taking my car to the car wash today. If you are not a child, I find this more than a little creepy.”
In an open letter to the cute guy she saw digging in his butt,
“When I saw the confidence with which you used four fingers to scratch your butt deeply. I was sure you were going to smell your fingers. Instead you used that hand to dig in your ear. While you are cute, your pleasant face did not overcome these indiscretions….”
In an open letter to her inner voyeur,
“You should not be allowed to walk at dusk. You cannot both handle all of that domestic, open-blinds activity, and be aware of your surroundings….”