“I regret to inform you that I can no longer listen to you at work. You see, there is something about this music that makes my hips move involuntarily. This is inappropriate at best and probably most likely creepy/downright gross. Additionally, this music both makes me mouth lyrics (not a good look) and make weird […]
Category: open letters
In an open letter to anyone in a shared custody situation,
“So, I think that in the case that we have to communicate with the other parent, that we should be able to provide proof of that conversation–a phone log should suffice–at any bar and be offered a double shot of tequila. Who’s game?”
In an open letter to the slow walking woman with the teeny tiny shorts,
“Full disclosure: I am in a bad mood. Now, if you are going to slowly shuffle about, don’t make a point to walk in front of moving vehicles. If you’re going to do this while wearing pantyshorts, please expect to be talked about. Case in point: I’m pretty sure that those shorts were tight enough […]
In an open letter to the universe,
“I feel like you pay me back for the mean things that I sometimes think. You smacked me down today. However, I also feel like you look out for me. For example, just this week, you put that bottle of Maker’s Mark that I had forgotten about in my eyesight. Now, on the other side […]
In an open letter to her son,
“Sweetie, if you bring a trash bag full of crap–oh, I’m sorry, your stuff–home from school and then proceed to leave that bag in the middle of the floor, I am going to put said bag on your bed. That is all.”
In an open letter to Lyndon Johnson,
“I understand that this is probably an inappropriate thing to say to the deceased, but I can totally imagine someone grabbing those large ears of yours, whispering into one of them, ‘Big Texas.’ What have you done to me?”
In an open letter to herself on a questionable hair day,
“Lady, next time you squeeze a more-than-quarter-sized dollop of hair gel into your hand, just scrape some of it into the sink. This is especially true if you don’t even know when you last relaxed your hair. Otherwise, you will catch a glimpse of yourself in your car window and think, ‘Dang, I look like […]
In an open letter to the tanned, shirtless silver fox I saw on my lunch break,
“Sir, I have said this before, but I need to say it again; I am not used to this seasonal nudity. You, sir, almost caused me to walk right out into traffic with all your shirtlessness, and that tan, and those abs. You may just be a danger to innocent pedestrians. And, uh, can I […]
In an open letter to her upstairs neighbor,
“Please, please, please tell me that you’re up there rapping without any music. Otherwise, the force of your words, the sheer volume of them and the lack of pausing for taking a breath is very disturbing….”
In an open letter to black hair,
” I’m just saying, the best thing about you is your sculptural quality.”