“Because of you, every time I see the word ‘heir,’ I think that it is going to be followed by the words, ‘of Slytherin.’”
Tag: open letters
In an open letter to the middle-aged woman in the bright red jeggings,
“If your goal was to show us your every lump, bump, roll, and cranny, then you were successful. Congratulations!”
In an open letter to Anthony Weiner,
“Hey, thanks for providing the context in which I was able to have my first conversation with my son about sexting and responsibility in these times we inhabit. I think you might be a good jumping off board for talks two and three. Depending on your future actions, maybe even talks four through seven. One […]
In an open letter to her sister-in-law,
“Now that you work in a hospital, I can’t stop asking all sorts of uncouth questions about the body once things have gone wrong. I find it quite satisfying in a disgusting sort of way. However, those stories about the various and sundry items people insert in various bodily nooks and crannies break my brain […]
In an open letter to her contact lenses,
“I used to be grateful to you for purposes of vanity. Now, I am grateful that if I have knocked my glasses down while sleeping that I can wear you to find them. Also, I am grateful for the lack of blind spots I experience in daily living when wearing you. Though my priorities have […]
In an open letter to the middle aged man with the nice sporty backback,
“You were the last person I expected to see stop to blow a snot rocket.”
In an open letter to the drivers involved in the collision witnessed this evening,
“I’m already a skittish driver; that didn’t help. Uh, what I mean is that I hope everyone’s okay; I’m glad there wasn’t a fire; and I hope that both of you are all paid up on your auto insurance. I saw that one coming. Both of you were driving too fast, but turning car, you […]
In an open letter to public restrooms,
“You chill my soul. I quake in fear whenever we encounter each other. I know that you’re not supposed to sling around the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ in relationships, but ours has never been a healthy one. You always make me worry about my health. I am always concerned by all of those moist surfaces. […]
In an open letter to the staff person who seemed to be on duty near the deli,
“So, maybe you were on a break. I don’t know. But that’s none of my business. The part that is my business is that you sauntered over to the other side of the counter and took a few samples…with your gloves on. That’s where my objection comes in. If you’re gonna eat with your gloves […]
In an open letter to the word huckster,
“You are so very underused. I’m going to work toward your revival.”