“It’s not exactly that I hated you. Actually, you could have stayed if I hadn’t found myself tugging on and playing with you absently as I completed other tasks. Once you were plucked, I realized that you were closing in on an 3/4 of an inch in length. I’d say, then, that we had a […]
Tag: open letters
In an open letter to her son on his birthday,
“Ten years ago today, I waited to meet you in the hospital as I watch 40th anniversary coverage of the Kennedy assassination. I am so proud of the person you’re turning out to be. Happy birthday!! And, yes, I love you more than I love LBJ.”
In an open letter to Gerald Ford,
“I have been thinking this ever since I visited Grand Rapids. You really knew how to wear a suit. Also, you knew how to bald gracefully, a sign of your character in an age of hair.”
In an open letter to Jay Z,
“I only ask because I think you’re an expert on this topic. Is there any such thing as medium pimpin’?”
In an open letter to the police officer that almost caused me to run up on a nearby curb,
“I don’t get to say this often, but you were working those polyester pants.”
In an open letter to the woman who selected the elliptical machine right next to mine,
“Why? Just why? Next time I encounter someone like you I am going to just do what I wanted to do, choose another elliptical machine. Doing that and feeling like a jerk is better than becoming angry and tense because out of the eight or so elliptical machines you wanted the one right next to […]
In an open letter to the man who caught me staring at him this morning,
“It was your moustache. It was so dark and rich. It reminded me of Barry White’s voice. It didn’t match your hair. I had questions. Those questions were what I was considering when you caught me in the act….”
In an open letter to the man who wore shorts if I’m being generous, underwear if I’m being true to my heart,
“I have been working on being judgy. It’s a nasty habit of mine. When I saw you though, all sorts of alarms went off in my head. Especially after I saw you both in the Halloween store and in the craft store. My mama gut told me to keep my child nearby. When I explained […]
In an open letter to Hall and Oates,
“Thank you, thank you, thank you for being appropriate background music for working. I don’t have to worry about you saying something that will embarrass all parties if someone happens to walk in. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.”
Protected: In an open letter to Harry Belafonte,
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.